Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets