Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week