*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
mathematically impossible
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.