[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots