Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid