When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I just tested negative for patience.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?