My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”