*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat