[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]