Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”