Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.