[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.