[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden