Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
You Might Also Like
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
2022: I can fix it
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.