Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water