barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
You Might Also Like
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Thinking about Jeff
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans