Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.