As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Today’s Times
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup