[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
You Might Also Like
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.