Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.