Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.