Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
You Might Also Like
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Whoa 😂
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Beware of the dog..
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp