The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.