There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You Might Also Like
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.