There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?