Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes