a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Every work meeting this week
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat