Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”