In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Anyone want a chair?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder