[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop