Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath