“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”