just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.