My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
You Might Also Like
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
kitchen magnet
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators