Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2