lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Got ya covered
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.