If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again