I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?