I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
No, I don’t think I will.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
this independent good boy don’t need no human
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.