There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity