To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You Might Also Like
Perfect
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes