Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Fight