No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals