date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Owl Sanctuary