ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.