I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Wait, let me explain..”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Fiction has to make sense.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.