Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.