the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.