Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house