Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.